|Is it stuck in your head now??|
I am sabotaging myself.
As far as losing weight goes, this is not my first rodeo.
I lost weight in college. I lost weight before my wedding. I lost weight when my marriage was on the rocks.
Every time I've lost weight in the past, I just did it. Period. There were no crazy binges or worries that I'd never meet my goal, I simply put my mind to it and got it done.
Today was the first time I finally realized I have no idea what's going on this time around. I've been bouncing around these stupid 10+/- lbs for almost the last 6 months. It's annoying, it's discouraging, and it's embarrassing. I've had friends and people tell me that I've inspired them to get healthy and get moving and yet here I am. Stuck.
This weekend was a train wreck of food (see previous post). Even though I had stuck to me diet plan on Thursday, that night, when I got home and saw Hubs had ordered pizza, I ate it. Even though he had it all wrapped up and ready for his lunch and I already had dinner a few hours earlier, I took it out and ate it. Friday, I decided would be my cheat day. I had a healthy breakfast, Panera for lunch (grilled cheese and soup...and a cookie, of course). For dinner that night we got Carrabba's take out. Saturday I ate a healthy breakfast and lunch, but we went to Downtown Disney and decided Irish food sounded too good to resist, so we ate again. Even though I was full, I wanted ice cream, so off we went to get a banana split. Sunday we went out for breakfast where I had a giant breakfast burrito and apple fritters. Then at the art festival I had noodles, more ice cream (UGH!!!), cheesy dip, and beer. Then when I bought groceries later on, I brought us home fried chicken tenders for dinner and a slice of cake, since, you know, we totally needed it.
I told myself today I was going to go back to the detox and try to get things straightened out. The morning went great - I had my egg white and banana pancakes. I went to the gym. Then I saw a coupon for a free Chick fil a sandwich and couldn't get it out of my head. It was all downhill from there. I don't even want to list it all out because
I might get hungry again I'm that embarrassed by the sheer volume and the kinds of crap food I ate today. I didn't even want to tell Hubs when he asked why I had such a bad food day. It feels shameful.
Yet, the whole time this eating was occurring, I knew it was bad. I was mentally telling myself to stop, but I didn't. Danielle - you're going to gain back the weight. You're going to feel like shit. You're embarrassing yourself, PLEASE STOP! But I kept eating. I even looked around the mall while I pushed Nugget in his stroller to make sure someone hadn't already noticed I had eaten something different when I walked by before. I felt mortified and ashamed of myself. I wanted to cry.
There's clearly a problem, but I don't know what. I will say this is the first time I've lost weight for myself, and I think that could be a big part of the puzzle. I lost weight in college to look good for my sorority, I lost weight for my wedding to look good in pictures, and I lost weight when my marriage was shaky because I didn't want to be fat and divorced. Never once have I wanted to truly look good for myself. I don't know if it's low self esteem getting in the way. I don't know if I'm scared to look "good" again. Last time I was really thin, I wasn't a very nice person (probably because I was so hungry).
I just don't know, but I want to find out what and I want to make it stop. I want to lose weight so I can feel good about myself. I want to feel healthy. I want to feel strong. I want to appreciate myself again for more than just how I appear on the surface. This is a bumpy part of the road that I wasn't prepared for and I'm hoping to figure it out soon.