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| Is it stuck in your head now?? |
I am sabotaging myself.
As far as losing weight goes, this is not my first rodeo.
I lost weight in college. I lost weight before my wedding. I lost weight when my marriage was on the rocks.
Every time I've lost weight in the past, I just did it. Period. There were no crazy binges or worries that I'd never meet my goal, I simply put my mind to it and got it done.
Today was the first time I finally realized I have no idea what's going on this time around. I've been bouncing around these stupid 10+/- lbs for almost the last 6 months. It's annoying, it's discouraging, and it's embarrassing. I've had friends and people tell me that I've inspired them to get healthy and get moving and yet here I am. Stuck.
This weekend was a train wreck of food (see previous post). Even though I had stuck to me diet plan on Thursday, that night, when I got home and saw Hubs had ordered pizza, I ate it. Even though he had it all wrapped up and ready for his lunch and I already had dinner a few hours earlier, I took it out and ate it. Friday, I decided would be my cheat day. I had a healthy breakfast, Panera for lunch (grilled cheese and soup...and a cookie, of course). For dinner that night we got Carrabba's take out. Saturday I ate a healthy breakfast and lunch, but we went to Downtown Disney and decided Irish food sounded too good to resist, so we ate again. Even though I was full, I wanted ice cream, so off we went to get a banana split. Sunday we went out for breakfast where I had a giant breakfast burrito and apple fritters. Then at the art festival I had noodles, more ice cream (UGH!!!), cheesy dip, and beer. Then when I bought groceries later on, I brought us home fried chicken tenders for dinner and a slice of cake, since, you know, we totally needed it.
Disgusting.
I told myself today I was going to go back to the detox and try to get things straightened out. The morning went great - I had my egg white and banana pancakes. I went to the gym. Then I saw a coupon for a free Chick fil a sandwich and couldn't get it out of my head. It was all downhill from there. I don't even want to list it all out because I might get hungry again I'm that embarrassed by the sheer volume and the kinds of crap food I ate today. I didn't even want to tell Hubs when he asked why I had such a bad food day. It feels shameful.
Yet, the whole time this eating was occurring, I knew it was bad. I was mentally telling myself to stop, but I didn't. Danielle - you're going to gain back the weight. You're going to feel like shit. You're embarrassing yourself, PLEASE STOP! But I kept eating. I even looked around the mall while I pushed Nugget in his stroller to make sure someone hadn't already noticed I had eaten something different when I walked by before. I felt mortified and ashamed of myself. I wanted to cry.
There's clearly a problem, but I don't know what. I will say this is the first time I've lost weight for myself, and I think that could be a big part of the puzzle. I lost weight in college to look good for my sorority, I lost weight for my wedding to look good in pictures, and I lost weight when my marriage was shaky because I didn't want to be fat and divorced. Never once have I wanted to truly look good for myself. I don't know if it's low self esteem getting in the way. I don't know if I'm scared to look "good" again. Last time I was really thin, I wasn't a very nice person (probably because I was so hungry).
I just don't know, but I want to find out what and I want to make it stop. I want to lose weight so I can feel good about myself. I want to feel healthy. I want to feel strong. I want to appreciate myself again for more than just how I appear on the surface. This is a bumpy part of the road that I wasn't prepared for and I'm hoping to figure it out soon.
Don't beat yourself up! That's not helping at all. And especially, don't beat yourself up because having an outside goal or someone else to be accountable to is just a better motivator. For everyone. I know it never worked for me to give myself a deadline for drafts because I would never meet them. It would only work if I promised my adviser that I would send her a draft by a certain date.
ReplyDeleteThe blog could be helpful in setting you up to be accountable to your readers, but maybe you need something even more concrete. What that is is up to you.
Also, don't let your lapses lead to more lapses. It's super tempting to think "Well, I already fucked up the diet today, what can some more ice cream hurt?" Resist it!
Finally, don't hesitate to take Mike to task for being an enabler. He knows this is important to you. If he wants pizza, fine, but he shouldn't bring it home and tempt you with it. He needs to eat his pizza fix somewhere else and not bring it home.
I do think that I need to have some sort of hard deadline beyond the blog...just need to figure one out. Mike used to be a big help with keeping me on track, but that hasn't been the case lately. We'll have to have a chat. Thanks for showing me support with this :)
DeleteAlso, sometimes I struggle with two minds on eating. One voice is like, "Don't eat that, you want to be thin." And the other voice is like "Don't tell me to be thin, I will be as fat as I want! MOAR FOOD IN MY FACEHOLE!" It's like my inner 5-year-old who only wants to do the things she's not allowed to do. Do you have this, too? Maybe distract that 5-year-old with something shiny?
ReplyDeleteI definitely have those inner voices ALL THE TIME! It's a battle in my head with this.
DeleteYes, friend, don't beat yourself up! If changing eating habits, lifestyle, etc. were EASY, everyone would do it! You are CHALLENGING yourself daily and some days are better than others. You are already reflecting on decisions you made with food and now you can move on from it!! Decide how to make more satisfying decisions TODAY!
ReplyDeletePlease don't dwell in the past and motivators that "were". Use this "slip" as a learning lesson and set an intention for the week:" I will cook 'x' amount of healthy meals this week." "I love myself, so I will drink water instead of 'x'. Congratulate yourself on all of the WONDERFUL decisions you do make and keep on moving forward!
PS: Sabatoge was my favorite song of 1994!
Thanks, Jenny :) You are one positive and inspiring lady! I appreciate your support and can't wait to see you tomorrow for some birthday fun!
DeleteI am SO, SO, SOOO with you on this. I am doing so bad all of a sudden. so bad that I'm hoping I'm knocked up and I can blame it on that. Hope you start doing better....who knows why we do what we do, but we both know we feel amazing when we do well!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I struggle with this every day and it's nice to know I'm not alone. The worst for me is being in the office and at a desk most of the day so I snack a lot and then make excuses not to exercise. (That might make a good post - snacks for the office) I think you look fantastic and aspire to be as motivated as you are. Keep sharing your journey :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to know I'm not alone with this either! It's a hard struggle to deal with on a daily basis. If only junk food wasn't so tasty!
DeleteHang in there. It is definitely challenging, but think of reaching your weight loss goal in terms of taking baby steps. It's all about making small gradual changes that ultimately reach your long-term goal. Break things down into small weekly goals like meal planning to prevent impulse purchases at the grocery store (I'm definitely guilty of them, too!), prepping healthy snacks on Sunday for the week, scheduling your workouts for the week and changing the way you think (diet vs. healthy lifestyle that lasts a lifetime). We all give in and have indulgences every once in a while, so don't beat yourself up. Get back on track the next day. You are doing great! Keep going!
ReplyDeleteThanks! I think small goals is a good way to go. Sometimes I get so caught up in the big end result, that I don't focus on the small steps to get there :)
DeleteIt'll get better! There is always a hard phase to overcome when it comes to losing weight, but don't be hard on yourself! You will overcome it and eventually reach your goals :)
ReplyDelete